Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize