i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize