I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
