I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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