Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
