accomplished twins. life is a go
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
