am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
