I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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