Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
