I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
