i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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