I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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