I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
