9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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