Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
