apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize