I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
