The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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