remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he wants to bone in the snuggie
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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