U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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