she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize