No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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