Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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