I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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