he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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