Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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