I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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