you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
