based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
