I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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