oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need to calm my uterus...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
