Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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