i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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