He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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