There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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