I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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