grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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