I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
