I hate your face
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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