she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
