Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
