Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
