new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
