Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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