He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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