Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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