amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I could fuck to npr.
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