Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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