the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize