i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
