i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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