it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
