Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
