I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
