allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
