i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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