Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize